The Bachelor Episode 3: The Farmer’s Almanac Predicts A Season Of Bad Decisions

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Ya’ll! Let’s just take a second to hope that none of you played along last night with The Bachelor as a drinking game, taking a drink every time he kissed a girl.  I’m guessing if you did, you are reading this on Thursday when you finally sober up.

I’ve watched just about every single episode of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette since before Chris Harrison was even born and I have NEVER seen a person make out with this many people on one night.  Like, ever. Not even on The Bachelor Pad!  Let’s just say that Farmer Chris is most certainly gettin’ down on the farm!

If you lost count last night, Chris kissed a total of 8 different ladies.  I was really hoping to see an Abreva commercial at some point during the night, but apparently they are choosing to keep their sponsorship on the down low this season.  

The girls locking lips with Prince Farming were Kaitlyn, Carly, Amber, Jillian, Whitney, Britt, Jade and Ashley I.  Whew.  I’m gonna need to rest my fingers for a second…………

Ok.  I’m back.  Ya’ll.  I don’t think we need the Farmer’s Almanac to predict that this is gonna come back to haunt him.  And in more ways than needing an antibiotic.  Like my kin folk say, sowing is not as difficult as reaping.

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Kaitlyn went on the first one on one date of the night.  I LOVED having Jimmy Kimmel on the show and really loved his twist on the dates.  For this date, Chris and Kaitlyn went to Costco to do some shopping and then had Jimmy over for dinner and an awkward swim in the hot tub.  

Kaitlyn kept commenting on how much she enjoyed this date because it was what a normal couple would do.  Like, heck yeah!  If I had a dollar for every time Brett and I go on a date to Costco, buy enough ketchup to fill a hot tub and have Jimmy Kimmel over for steaks and whiskey…..I’d still need to borrow $0.97 to buy a tea off the Dollar Menu.

I have to say that I am really beginning to like Kaitlyn.  I know we got off to a bad start with the whole “plow my f*%()’n field thing” but I think she might be ok.  Her red lipstick bothers me just a bit, but when those kind of words fall outta your mouth, I guess you try to dress it up in any way you can. In the end, she gets the rose.

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Awkward Group Date Time!!  The group date this week was called the Hoedown Throw Down and I have to be honest with you, I was a little worried that Jillian would hear this title and think it was a wrestling challenge and before Bruce Buffer could ring the bell, she would have had Kelsey in a rear naked choke.

Let’s just pause a bit and talk about Jillian.  For starters, she’s like a brick house.  I hope they gave her the top bunk in the house because I would not want her sleeping under me. You’d wake up in the middle of the night and she would be bench pressing you in your bed. And flexing in the mirror. Take a look at her bio:

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We get it, Jill.  You have a rockin’ hot body that you obviously work really hard on and we all agree that you should be really proud of it and enjoy showing it off.  However…..  We can’t just keep pretending that we don’t see that black box on your rock hard rear end.

I feel like someone needs to have this conversation with you and while I am a little ticked off and hellishly embarrassed that it has to be me, I’ll take one for the Bachelor Nation team.  Look, we are all grown ups here and we are trying to keep our minds outta the gutters but it is incredibly difficult when we remember what Jordan said about your grooming in your nether regions and now every time we see you with that black box on your front girl parts and back girl parts all we can think about is…… it’s a basement carpet issue.  So clean it up or cover it up.  Those are your only two options.

Anyway…. Carly ends up winning the Hoedown Throw Down and ends up having a bit of a Hoedown Throw Down herself with Chris as she makes another notch on his kissing belt. At the same party he also kisses Amber and Jillian.

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Mackenzie isn’t sure how she feels about all this smooching so she decides to question him about why he is kissing so many girls and he says something like “uh….. um….well….me like kissing…..uh…..mmm….” and then she is all like “oh, I totally get it!  Never mind!”  And then she apologizes for making HIM feel uncomfortable.

Becca ends up getting the rose at the end of the group date and oddly enough, she is one of the few girls that has one on one time with him and does not kiss him.  Kooky!

Whitney gets the last one on one date of the night.  I’m not entirely sure what they talked about in the beginning of the date because I had my ears plugged the whole time cause her voice makes me wanna stick tooth picks in my eyeballs and jump barefoot off a step ladder into a bucket full of porcupines.  She talks like a preschool teacher trying to get her puppy to go potty while sucking helium.  I just can’t.

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Apparently though, Chris likes her voice and we can’t really be too surprised since he giggles when he laughs and they decide to crash a wedding.  Because, you know there is no better way to see if a girl is “the one” than to see if she can totally lie and fool a crowd of people.

By the end of the night, they are clearly smitten with one another and she gets the rose and her notch on the kissing board.

Jimmy comes back the next morning to let the ladies know that there will not be a cocktail party later than night and instead, they will be having a pool party.  No one takes it harder than Ashley I.  She is distraught because she already had her outfit picked out for the night and she had “a Kardashian look planned”. Let’s all take a second to grieve that.

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In my mind, I think Ashley I actually thinks she is a Kardashian. I bet she even calls herself a “K” name like Kiki or Kelly or Kathy or something like that. I’d like to waste one wish on her Genie of The Belly Button ring and wish that she would refer to herself in the third person as “the Virgin Kardashian”.

No matter who or what she is, she definitely earned her spot on the kissing board when she made out with Chris on the balcony.  She also almost earned herself a trip to the emergency room when she leaned over while kissing Chris and nearly fell off said balcony. 

Also getting some one on one time with Chris was Jade.  She was super sneaky about this when she asked Chris if he would take her on a tour of his house.  At first, I thought, “Great move, girl” and then I saw her shoes and I was like “Wow, she makes only horrible decisions”.  For real though, who wears 13 inch white heels to a pool party?  I know ABC was really concerned about not showing Jillian’s money maker, but what really needed to be blurred was those shoes!  

The spend about 13 second chatting before they decide it would be a good idea to “try out his bed”.  I still can’t help but think it had something to do with the shoes, but she agreed and before you know it, Jade has joined the list of girls that have made it to first base with Chris.  And maybe second. 

By the end of the night, it was Tracey, Trina and Amber that were sent home.  The previews seem to hint that next week will be when the “travel” dates start and that there is LOTS of drama in store. Apparently there must be a conflict and some of the women question Chris’s choices and we see him announcing to the ladies that he is there to find his wife and if they are not there for the same reasons, they should leave.  Just once, I wanna see one lady get up and and be like “What?  I thought this was the casting call for a Hooters commercial?!”

Remember Chris, when you pray for rain, you gotta deal with the mud!

The Bachelor Episode 2: The Farmer In The “Oh Hell”

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You guys!

Can I be completely honest with you?  When I heard that Chris was going to be the new Bachelor, I was a teensy weensy bit concerned because I was afraid that he might be….well…..kinda boring.  I mean, he’s a farmer from Iowa?  

I’ve never been so happy to be wrong about anything more in my life.  Boring?  Are you kidding me?  I had to check the guide on the TV a few times to make sure I was watching The Bachelor and not The Bachelor Pad.  Or The Real World.  This is gonna be way funsies. 

This week’s episode started with Kimberly coming back to talk with Chris because she just felt like she was meant to be there and him sending her home the week before wasn’t embarrassment enough, she wanted him to get a change to get to know her and then reject her again.  Good call, Kimmy!  

Chris was obviously torn about the situation so he sought out the wise counsel of the show’s spiritual adviser and the giver of only solid, sound advice, Chris Harrison, who told him “I dunno, do what you want.”  You can bury that kind of advice in a mason jar.

Chris ultimately decided to give Kimberly another chance and when she walked back into the room the girls gasped and one exclaimed out loud “oh no!”.  Awkward.  And then they try to act like they are excited but it is obvious, Kimberly is about as welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.  At then end of the night she goes home.  Again.

Can we stop for a second and just talk about how strange the outside shower scenes of Chris are?  Or inside shower scenes for that matter?  I don’t get why we need to see him bathe?  No one takes a shower looking sexy.  It is difficult to look handsome when you have soap in your eye and water up your nose.  Just stop.  

The first date of the night was a group date with Jade, Ashley I, Tara,  Kimberly, Mackenzie and Tandra and it’s kinda weird to watch.  For starters, how many of these girls went out and bought cowgirl boots and denim overalls when they found out they were going to be on the show?  My guess is that it is only a matter of time before we see a girl wearing a straw cow girl hat.  

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The date starts as a pool party and then, naturally, transitions to a mile long walk through the streets of LA in bikini’s to a tractor race.  So cliche.  Chris explains that he is looking for a woman that can join him on the farm so the one way to find true love is to see who can win a tractor race!

The girls are off like a herd of turtles and at this point, my money is TOTALLY on Tara since she seems the most outdoorsy of all of them but instead it was Ashley I who pulled away for the win and got to spend the first one on one time with Chris.

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Let’s talk about Ashely I for a second.  One, she could totally be a Kardashian.  She is gorgeous but I’m not completely sure she could catch a cold if it had handles.  

The beginning of the episode gives us a little insight into the way her pretty mind works.  She was talking to the other girls and she says “When I went to SLEEP I was DAYDREAMING about Chris”.  Hmm.  Ok?

Later at the cocktail party, she reveals to Mackenzie and Megan that she is a virgin and Mackenzie acts like Ashley I just opened a Wonka Bar with a Golden Ticket.  Later that night Ashely I hints that she might tell Chris that she is a virgin but instead decides to go with ” See my belly button ring?  You can make 3 wishes on it, but you have to rub it first to make it come true!”  Prince Farming wishes for a kiss, rubs the Magic Belly Button Genie’s Lamp and wishes for a kiss.  And then he gets swallowed.  And Mackenzie tells us that she is “mind boggled”.

Speaking of Mackenzie, she earned some extra one on one time with Chris when he picked her on the group date.  They went for a romantic dinner where she told him that he was SO lucky because she is only attracted with guys with big noses, that she hasn’t been on a date in over a year and that she believes in aliens.  I think those all might be interrelated.

She also decides this is the time to tell him that she has a young son, or in her words “Um…….I have a kid.”  Poetic.  Chris ends up giving her a rose for the night, continuing with his theme of only making bad decisions. 

While Chris was on the group date, Jillian and Megan decided to break into his house and go through all his things. While that would seem shocking, it was impossible to really focus on anything that was going on because of the blurred boxes plastered on Jillian’s bikini bottom area.  What the heck?

I mean, I think we can all understand a box in the back of her bikini bottoms if they didn’t quite fully cover her cheeks, but the front?  At first I was so confused and then later in the night Jordan, in her natural drunken state, explains to us that the one girl she thinks is not right for Chris is Jillian because she….well….how do I say this….has lots of hair in her nether regions?  You guys.  Is it possible we just witnessed history?  Did we just see the FCC censor their first….. I can’t even say it.  But I think the only obvious answer is yes. 

Megan gets the first one on one date of the season.  In typical first date fashion, they take an airplane ride to Las Vegas and then take a helicopter ride to the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon.  

I think Brett and I might have gone to Taco Bell after we got off work at K-Mart when we were 17 for our first date, but whatever, that was 20 years ago so OBVIOUSLY, the dating game has changed.

The date is sweet and they seem to have good chemistry and she’s not cuckoo for cocoa puffs, so while she got the rose tonight, she’s probably shouldn’t completely unpack her bags.

The last date of the night was another group date, this time to take a bunch of women into the dark, give them guns and tell them to shoot at Zombies that are trying to eat their brains.  They were are certainly scared, except for Ashley S because she had NOTHING to lose. 

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God love her.  I am just not sure that she could throw herself on the ground and not miss. Like, whatever situation she is in right now, it far exceeds the limits of her medication.  

I’m not sure about her but I am sure of one thing, the person that cast her on the show is getting a bonus because she is reality tv gold!  “That’s how I feel like…Boom!  The truth.”  Bless her heart. I hope she stays forever.  Or until they realize she escaped from the place she normally resides and they send a white van to pick her back up. 

By the end of the Ashley Apocalypse, it is Kaitlyn who walks away with the group date rose. 

Now, if you were keeping track of the smooches this episode, then you darn near ran out of fingers!  Chris kissed Mackenzie, Megan, Kaitlyn, Britt, Amber and Ashley I.  Farm boy don’t play around but I am really hoping that all this smooching this early in the season and multiple girls on the same night doesn’t come back to bite him in the acreage.

You know what they say in Iowa?  Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.

 

The Bachelor Season Premier: So God Made A Farmer

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You guys!  It is finally here!  I have waited for this night my whole life.  Or since last fall. Anyway.

America’s favorite Farmer playing America’s favorite game for love?  I think so!  It’s The Bachelor: Season Chris aka Prince Farming.

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Let’s just stop and take a quick break to thank God for making a farmer that looks like this. Ya’ll.  He’s dreamy.  33 years old. 6’1″ tall.  Blonde hair.  Blue Eyes.  He’s as American as Apple Pie. A small town hottie with family values and he drives a tractor for a living?  I feel remorse for not signing up to be a contestant myself.  And probably, so does my husband.

We got to see Chris back home in Iowa doing his farmer thing and riding his motorcycle.  I am sure he was saying lots of important stuff but I might have stopped breathing for a few minutes when they showed him with his foot propped up on the fence gazing into the sunset.  He’s purdy.

While Chris is shoveling grain in the silo in his muscle shirt we get the first metaphor of the season and one that I am sure will be repeated over and over and over and over and over and over….

He talks about how much he loves farming.  He likens his profession to that of love, it is a lot of hard work and you never really know what is in store with the weather but with a little bit of luck, something beautiful can grow.  He’s hot and smart.  I think this is going to be fun.

As with every single episode ever in the history of everness, Chris Harrison makes the promise that it will be THE MOST SHOCKING EPISODE EVER so to change things up this season, Chris will have 30 girls to pick from the first night.

Here are a few of the ones that stood out for me:

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Britt, 27 years old, a waitress from Hollywood, CA

Britt was the first one out of the limo and she gave Chris one of the longest and maybe a little bit awkward hugs I have ever seen.  While she was hanging from his neck, she was making some weird sounds and I wasn’t sure if she was crying or hyperventilating or….. anyway.  But for real, I’m surprised they didn’t need to take a commercial break during that hug.  I sang the ABC’s forward, backwards and in Spanish.

It was obvious that Chris was certainly smitten with her from the get go and when they first got to chat more at the cocktail party, there was another awkward moment where they hugged and it looked like they might kiss, but who kisses on the first date? When you are also dating 29 other women?  Oh…wait.  Chris does.  He ends up giving Britt the first impression rose and the very first kiss of the season.

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Tara, 26 years old, Sport Fishing Enthusiast from Ft Lauderdale, FL

When Tara got out of the limo the first time, she was wearing Daisy Dukes, boots and a flannel shirt, all in an effort to show Chris that she was a down home girl just like him.  I have to admit, I thought it was sort of clever, and then she kept talking and drinking and decided that “clever” and “Tara” are not words that are generally used in the same situation.

I was trying to give this poor girl the benefit of the doubt and assume that she was just really nervous and had a rare moment of over indulging and then I looked up her bio and the things she could not live without are: a nail file, chocolate and whiskey. It also lists her profession as a Sport Fishing Enthusiast.  Is that a thing?  Like someone that watches NASCAR can now, instead of calling themselves a race fan, put on their resume that they are an Auto Racing Enthusiast?  I call. BS.

Poor girl, by the time the rose ceremony came it was all she could do to stand upright without puking on the girls in front of her.  She seemed like a logical person to send home since Chris is looking for a responsible woman that is ready to settle down in Iowa and raise a family.  So, of course she stayed.

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Kaitlyn, 29 years old, Dance Instructor from Vancuver, BC

And then there is Kaitlyn.  There are a million and one options that have to go through these girl’s minds when they are getting ready to step out of that limo for the first time. Some plan elaborate entrances and there are props and songs and dances and gifts and gimmicks.  Others decide to play it low key and just introduce themselves.  

And then there is Kaitlyn’s way.  She opens her mouth and out falls “you can plow the %&*@ out of my field anyday”.  Did that just really happen?  I simultaneously wanted to smack her and high five her. 

She continued to bring her unique brand of truckstop bathroom humor inside the house with a joke about a walrus and Tupperware.  I’m not sure if Chris kept her because he liked her or was intrigued by her or scared of her, but it will be interesting to see how this goes.

Also one interesting thing to note, in her bio when she was asked what she would do if she won the lottery she said she would “buy an island and make it into a land of pirates. It would be called Yarrrland.”  Charming and bright?  Maybe she is too good to be true.

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Ashley S, 24 years old, Hair Stylist from Brooklyn, NY

I think Ashley S is my favorite girl from the whole night. She gets out of the limo and immediately begins staring him down, like she is looking into his soul.  Creepy.  Later at the cocktail party, she goes from creepy to downright criminal. She was not happy that she had not gotten any one on one time with Chris (because he was hiding from her) and then she launched into some sort of psychotic rant about a rose and an onion that ends up being a pomegranate and ya’ll, she is crazy.  They say creepy isn’t a crime, but when he sends her home somewhere around week 4 or 5 and she begins stalking him and showing up on his doorstep and mailing him her underwear, it quickly becomes at least a misdemeanor.  It only makes perfect sense that he would send her home, so of course, he keeps her too.  Maybe her, Tara and Kaitlyn can be room mates.  Either in the house or in prison. 

By the end of the night, the initial group of 30 ladies was cut down to 22, maybe even 23 if Kimberly comes back.

The previews make it look like there is going to be LOTS of drama and LOTS of tears this season, which is gonna make for LOTS of awesome!

 

 

 

Our Real Life Christmas Letter

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If you have been standing at your mailbox everyday for the last few weeks waiting for your Christmas card from Team Patterson, you can just give up that pipe dream.  

We were gonna bribe our kids to put down their electronic devices and change out of their Miller Lite shirts and pajama pants long enough to snap a festive Christmas picture but then we remembered that Brett and I aren’t particularly fond of torturing ourselves and we were out of the hard kind of liquor that would make it worth it, so you will have to settle for this. 

I also considered for a moment doing a really lovely, sentimental Christmas newsletter that would highlight only the amazing things that have happened this past year but I am not fond of getting struck by lighting, it’s hard on my hair, and I figured you wouldn’t believe me anyway.  So here goes! 

Merry Christmas from The Patterson’s!

Wow, what a year it has been!  2014 was a whirlwind of excitement and joy.  As we look back over the year it’s hard to believe that it flew by so quickly and that we survived it. Mostly that survived it. 

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Isaak turned 13 this year.  Oh, what an unexpected joy it is to have a teenager in the home. And by unexpected I mean I wouldn’t be more surprised if I woke up with my head stapled to the carpet.  And by joy, I mean…. well.  We keep remembering back to all the years that we tried and planned and prayed for a baby and now he’s here and half grown.  Looking back, it was probably a sign.

Isaak is doing great in school.   Daily, he kicks the labels and limits that come with Autism in the nuts and laughs about it.  Atta boy.

He has enjoyed the freedom that comes with moving up to middle school, mostly getting his own cell phone and lifetime supply of deodorant.  He has really excelled in his academics and puts forth a great deal of effort with his studies during the last week of the grading period  We just found out today that he got an F in Health this semester, but he’s still alive so he must have learned something, it’s probably just a glitch in the grade book.  

He enjoys lots of extra curricular activities like Mine Craft, WWE and arguing. When he’s not on his Mine Craft server on the computer, he has his head burried in his iPad watching You Tube videos of a grown man who calls himself Captain Sparkles.  When he’s not doing either of those things, he’s probably grounded.

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He’s still undecided with what he wants to do after high school but on the top of his list are becoming a Moonshiner or a gold minor or both.  We are very proud of his ambition and look forward to spending all the money we have saved for him to go to college on a European vacation for ourselves. 

 

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Luke turned 9 this year!  Seriously, it seems like he was just born!  We continue to explore what is going on with Luke from a medical standpoint and have been thankful that all of the testing that he went through this year with regards to his weakness and tremors have been negative.  He still, of course, shakes like Courtney Love on a bender and we are a good $25K out of pocket into negative tests, but we remain hopeful that we will have answers in 2015.  We are awaiting approval for him to meet with a genetic team that will then map his entire genetic sequence and hoping we don’t end up on an episode of Jerry Springer. We also got a referral to take him to Mayo Clinic and a place in Washington DC for hard to diagnose medical conditions, but we aren’t quite ready to take that step now.  Or ever. Unless there is a great mall by either one of them, then we might be down. 

Luke is also doing great in school!  He loves 4th grade and made the A/B Honor roll last 9 weeks despite me helping him with his homework.  He has some great friends and has enjoyed becoming a bit more social this year.  He loves spending time outdoors if it means he only has to go the distance between the car and Game Stop.  He spends most of his free time playing video games and when he’s not doing that, he’s watching You Tube videos of people playing video games. 

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Luke is fascinated with all things facial hair and looks forward to the day when he can grow a uni brow that connects to his handlebar mustache.  He has an entrepreneurial spirit and would one day like to start a business that caters to people with uni brows.  He’s ambitions and a humanitarian. Like if Bill Gates and Angelina Jolie had a baby.  We are very proud. 

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Brett and I celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary this year and our 20th year of being a couple.  I still hold true to my claim that he is the luckiest man alive.  Sometimes it’s like we are still newlyweds and then other days he breathes a lot and loudly out of his mouth while doing mundane things like watching tv or making a smoothie and it’s not so much “will you accept this rose” and more like The War Of The Roses.  We go together.  Mostly. 

 

We want to take this moment to wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas and the best of God’s blessings in 2015.  Through it all, the good times and the other 361 days, we hope that just like we are, you will constantly be reminded that YOU are adored by a God that moves heaven and earth daily to remind you that you are His.  I promise you, we are all gonna be ok.

Thank you for your friendship, for the way you love us at our most unlovable and for making this ride on the crazy train we call our life even more enjoyable. 

Merry Christmas.  We love you.  Mean it! 

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